here until elsewhere
here until taken there
make something work
while you have the chance
get something done
better than wishing and wanting
visit the old places
be happy with the good memories
go somewhere new
keep your faculties alive
don’t believe everything’s behind you
and there’s nothing left to do
but dissipate in ritual silent regret
while you still can
make the best of
the here you have
before elsewhere whisks you away
all the times when you were cheated disappointed thwarted
going along and burying misgivings to make others satisfied
decades pass and it’s too late to demand apologies
make the best of where you are in the days/years remaining
no more poems about being thrown out of cars, off of trains
just deep mind-clearing breaths before entering the room
after 30 days in and out of hospital
getting to briefly know doctors, nurses and custodians
I come home and feel beatific
trying to love just about everyone
taking my medication regardless of aftertaste
gathering strength
becoming a day person instead of night owl
hoping to re-engage with the outside world
for as long as possible
the 15-year-old boy with heightened emotions
now the 65-year-old man calmly seeing an oncologist
so much done so much tried so much curtailed
taking medication getting sleepy hoping for more days
>
at 15, taught to fear, warned to avoid,
harangued to PAY ATTENTION
in spite of ths I had some good times over the decades
dared to think for myself
was blessed/burned by consequences
at 65, hoping for added years
before affairs must become ordered
fell and couldn’t get up
crawled past the bewildered cats
finally found the cellphone, dialed 911
kept on hold, then gave information
>
somehow opened the patio door
slow crawl to the garage
somehow opened the electric door
then reverse crawl from patio to den
>
a few minutes later, paramedics arrive
one of them says, mute the Dodger game on TV
another sees the books by my chair and asks
do you ever go outside?
I say yes, when the medicines and groceries run out
>
vitals checked, prescriptions recorded
lifted to my feet, not without further knee pain
decline a ride to the emergency room
>
by myself again
should buy a cane and a walker
though I dread reduced mobility
>
bruises, but no breaks or fractures
time to turn off the mute button
the 15-year-old boy with heightened emotions
now the 63-year-old man calmly seeing an oncologist
infused, injected, transplanted, revived
taking medication, getting sleepy, hoping for days outdoors
>
looking back at the girl I thought I loved at 15
lying to myself about how I could have been her ideal
imagining all sorts of happy alternate universes
in this one: didn’t listen, never gained her trust, never was a confidant
>
taught to fear, warned to avoid, harangued to PAY ATTENTION
in spite of this, eventually thought for myself,
and was blessed/burned by consequences
at 63, want more years before affairs must become ordered
so glad to know that I have no problems down there
the last colonoscopy unearthed small precancerous polyps
three years and two plus months later, apparently nothing
I received the color colonic pictures, thought about UNCUT GEMS
waiting for the doctor’s official all clear letter
wanting to be here for the next one in five years
surrounded by doctors and nurses
fighting the odor of transplant
faith in their assurances of extended life
many thoughts of what I’ve done so far
and all the things I’m looking forward to
once I become free to rejoin the world outside
Wake up mid-morning
Make a list of what is needed
Decide what necessities are nearby
Put on my tight fitting N95 mask
Erect a window for only necessary pursuits
The window must have exact proportions
Because there are only a few non-peak hours
>
Mid-afternoon , return home
With mild fatigue from two hours activity
Take my doses of maintenance medication
Think about tomorrow
Hope for a better year to come
Based on information I received last July when I had recovered enough from my stem cell transplant to go to the UCLA-sponsored hotel for further rest:
DISCHARGE INFORMATION
To leave hospital, ANC count of 0.5
Must be able to eat, drink, take pills normally
If confusion occurs, call doctor
Any new redness, swelling in right arm
Around PIC line, call doctor
Platelets (if minor cuts, I.e. shaving),
Hemoglobin (blood passed with bowel movement)
Call doctor if above occurs
Blood in urine, or when brushing teeth
No flossing, no aggressive brushing
Be careful when blowing nose
In case blood drips out
In case headaches occur,
Concern with bleeding of brain—call doctor
Avoid Tylenol, Advil, Aleve
Prevent infection by hand washing, sanitizer
Use shower glove for right arm until PIC line removed
Continue COVID-19 restrictions—visit outdoors,
If running errands, avoid peak hours
No dental work until cleared by doctor
At home with cats:
No being licked on face
And no cats in bedroom
Wipe down with antibacterial wipes
No vaccinations (six month average) until doctor says
Cleaning linens at home—average of once a week
Food Permitted:
Fresh fruits, vegetables (washed thoroughly)
Dried fruits okay with packed bags (small)
Take-out restaurants made to order (heated thoroughly)
No buffets, salad bars etc.
No deli food.
Frozen, canned food okay.
No prepared salads.
No prepackaged salads from Ralphs, etc,
Frozen dinner okay, cooked properly.
Pasteurized dairy (oat milk permitted)
No yogurt,
Eggs must be fully cooked
No raw food
No alcohol
Diet Soda permitted—bottles, cans
Ensure, Boost supplemental drinks
Oatmega bars may be okay, Kind bars too.
Exercise:
Can walk to and from campus
Or around block
Ask for the shuttle number if needed
This will pass
I’m glad to remain present
