all the times when you were cheated disappointed thwarted
going along and burying misgivings to make others satisfied
decades pass and it’s too late to demand apologies
make the best of where you are in the days/years remaining
no more poems about being thrown out of cars, off of trains
just deep mind-clearing breaths before entering the room
dead for two weeks
I do feel something
although it doesn’t show
>
all I can say is this:
I didn’t think it would
be quite this soon
and I never imagined
you leaving this world
before my mother and myself
>
things I wanted to tell you outweigh
whatever I did manage through
phone calls and texts
>
at least we were in some kind of contact
not a scenario where we hadn’t spoken in years
he died at 74
never married
one daughter
one granddaughter
child of the keep it to yourself 50s
came of age in generation gap 60s
attracted to women and soft drugs
brought to heel by the county court
cried when he had to cut hair short
and present as nice boy gone bad
>
had a brother nine years younger
far too young to bond with
often separated by parents and miles
learned how to be a salesman
able to get others to believe him
as long as others weren’t mother father relatives
>
but he loved sports
collected memorabilia
graduated from University of Texas Austin
spent his retirement going to various sporting events
this took his mind off declining health
and being denied access to granddaughter
by daughter who sometimes preferred him at arm’s length
>
passed away a day following minor traffic accident
began eternal sleep in a duplex protecting him
from Central Texas humidity outside
Behind your curtain
was a paperback copy of MACBETH
resting on a wooden stool
and a black cat named Monet
who, after minutes of contemplation,
jumped on top of the stool
how beautiful, I thought
nothing like this in my hometown
>
You used to bless me with teenage smiles
then the smiles stopped justlikethat
and everything I did got on your nerves
so I closed my curtain
and never again stepped out for encores
>
Over two decades later,
I visited a restored home
in West Los Angeles
the owner had a living room curtain
pulled open to reveal a picture window
displaying a view of a flower garden,
a swimming pool,
and a charming guest house
>
It’s the kind of sight
you would have loved
in the year
when we were both fifteen
fell and couldn’t get up
crawled past the bewildered cats
finally found the cellphone, dialed 911
kept on hold, then gave information
>
somehow opened the patio door
slow crawl to the garage
somehow opened the electric door
then reverse crawl from patio to den
>
a few minutes later, paramedics arrive
one of them says, mute the Dodger game on TV
another sees the books by my chair and asks
do you ever go outside?
I say yes, when the medicines and groceries run out
>
vitals checked, prescriptions recorded
lifted to my feet, not without further knee pain
decline a ride to the emergency room
>
by myself again
should buy a cane and a walker
though I dread reduced mobility
>
bruises, but no breaks or fractures
time to turn off the mute button
grain elevator, giant oil derrick, red/brown brick streets
train station which became Boy Scouts facility
elementary school that felt ultramodern in the 1960s
large and small churches teaching different versions of Jesus’s teachings
car races which some classmates never survived
drive-in eateries and motels which tried to survive the freeway bypass
>
newspaper ad said help save our town, buy at home
but the next city was just a half-hour away by car
some migrated there, others to other small Texas towns
only a few dared move out of state
to see if neutrality healed wounds and strengthened bonds
looking for clothes
trying to pack a suitcase
can’t find clothes
clothes apparently lost or stolen
look all over for missing clothes
find a bunch of concert T-shirts on a table
all the shirts are too small
focus on the door
at the end of the hallway
start walking
follow most rules
forget some of them
question others when alone
get head slaps
bruised knuckles
deep red voices
vibrating eardrums
warnings you’ll be fired
if you fail to park
in the proper place
>
rarely get compliments
>
decide if the door is worth opening
after years of repetitive motions
trying to please others
without losing yourself
and worrying about notes in your file
>
if you’re promoted,
don’t be that person
who screams/punches/kneecaps
be the mentor
only a few people
took the time to be with you
when it’s time for new recruits
to take the employee walk
wherever it may lead
they come easier at my age
don’t know if it’s from staring too long at a tablet
maybe it’s flashbacks from the irresolvable past
perhaps a reminder to enjoy and not dread the future
Based on information I received last July when I had recovered enough from my stem cell transplant to go to the UCLA-sponsored hotel for further rest:
DISCHARGE INFORMATION
To leave hospital, ANC count of 0.5
Must be able to eat, drink, take pills normally
If confusion occurs, call doctor
Any new redness, swelling in right arm
Around PIC line, call doctor
Platelets (if minor cuts, I.e. shaving),
Hemoglobin (blood passed with bowel movement)
Call doctor if above occurs
Blood in urine, or when brushing teeth
No flossing, no aggressive brushing
Be careful when blowing nose
In case blood drips out
In case headaches occur,
Concern with bleeding of brain—call doctor
Avoid Tylenol, Advil, Aleve
Prevent infection by hand washing, sanitizer
Use shower glove for right arm until PIC line removed
Continue COVID-19 restrictions—visit outdoors,
If running errands, avoid peak hours
No dental work until cleared by doctor
At home with cats:
No being licked on face
And no cats in bedroom
Wipe down with antibacterial wipes
No vaccinations (six month average) until doctor says
Cleaning linens at home—average of once a week
Food Permitted:
Fresh fruits, vegetables (washed thoroughly)
Dried fruits okay with packed bags (small)
Take-out restaurants made to order (heated thoroughly)
No buffets, salad bars etc.
No deli food.
Frozen, canned food okay.
No prepared salads.
No prepackaged salads from Ralphs, etc,
Frozen dinner okay, cooked properly.
Pasteurized dairy (oat milk permitted)
No yogurt,
Eggs must be fully cooked
No raw food
No alcohol
Diet Soda permitted—bottles, cans
Ensure, Boost supplemental drinks
Oatmega bars may be okay, Kind bars too.
Exercise:
Can walk to and from campus
Or around block
Ask for the shuttle number if needed
This will pass
I’m glad to remain present
lost shoes
lost suitcase
missing wallet
naked in public
taking a speedboat to a marina at night
staying for months in a hotel room
flying to London alone
worrying about being evicted
worrying that something’s missing
worrying that someone’s missing
she’s There
maybe one day I can be There too
with book deals that drop after the Event
>
she’s ready to write to order
tailoring poems to the Event as advised
>
the modeling deal doesn’t bother me
we should have written word rock stars too
>
every so often a poet who doesn’t get it writes
Amanda Gorman omitting Colin Kaepernick
because her brand matters more than truth.
out in front of the Dairy Queen
at the intersection of Highways 25 and 287
youthful male giants once stood as colossi
astride the welcoming landscape of small town 70s
naked streaking all the way to White’s Auto
fights where karate was defeated by groin kick
Kiss and Led Zeppelin (sometimes Herbie Hancock)
provided background music from 8-track car stereos
>
their world couldn’t hold back change
some graduated, others did not
one or two left town ahead of baby births
the Dairy Queen died so Texas One Stop could live
White’s Auto is now a Dollar General
the colossi are now grandparents
the youth of today drive their giant trucks
get their provisions from One Stop
and drive away fast with trucker hat country
as CD and FM stereo background music of choice
blasts away their anxieties over nothing being certain anymore
