here until elsewhere
here until taken there
make something work
while you have the chance
get something done
better than wishing and wanting
visit the old places
be happy with the good memories
go somewhere new
keep your faculties alive
don’t believe everything’s behind you
and there’s nothing left to do
but dissipate in ritual silent regret
while you still can
make the best of
the here you have
before elsewhere whisks you away
Behind your curtain
was a stage flat that looked like a brick wall
I hoped the wall would never change
You used to bless me with teenage smiles
then the smiles stopped justlikethat
and everything I did got on your nerves
so I closed my curtain
and never again stepped out for encores
>
Over two decades later,
I visited a restored home
in West Los Angeles
the owner had a living room curtain
pulled open to reveal a picture window
displaying a view of a flower garden,
a swimming pool,
and a charming guest house
>
It’s the kind of sight
you would have loved
in the year
when we were both fifteen
and wanted to become working actors
before my parents and yours reprogrammed us
no more live that dream
it became renounce that dream
because it wasn’t….practical
this ain't no party
this ain't no Chick-fil-a
this ain't no fooling around
no more media elites and celebrity effetes
we don't have time for that now
we dress like cowboys
we dress like churchgoers
we all stand up and vote
we do not worry about secrets and lies
or being influenced by Russian spies
it’s all fake news’s fault
this ain’t no establishment party
this ain’t no health care welfare abortion state
this ain’t no place for NEA or PBS
we don’t want that smart stuff now
don’t worry about tariffs
just pay more for Wal-Mart
stick it to the countries
we’re told to hate this week
take us back Donald and J.D.
make it great to be bigoted again
don’t want to care about DEI
or gender change or deported citizens
sensitivity is the new original sin
the 15-year-old boy with heightened emotions
now the 65-year-old man calmly seeing an oncologist
so much done so much tried so much curtailed
taking medication getting sleepy hoping for more days
>
at 15, taught to fear, warned to avoid,
harangued to PAY ATTENTION
in spite of ths I had some good times over the decades
dared to think for myself
was blessed/burned by consequences
at 65, hoping for added years
before affairs must become ordered
it was a sign of the End Times
when the Dillards department store
which dressed affluent women and men
was closed justlikethat
and reborn as a gigantic arcade
POSTSCRIPT: The above poem refers to Sikes Senter shopping mall in Wichita Falls, TX. It was built in 1966, then sat empty until October of 1974. What remains (including a Boot Barn, a Hot Topic, a Books-a-Million and an AMC multiplex) will celebrate its 50th anniversary next month.
dead for two weeks
I do feel something
although it doesn’t show
>
all I can say is this:
I didn’t think it would
be quite this soon
and I never imagined
you leaving this world
before my mother and myself
>
things I wanted to tell you outweigh
whatever I did manage through
phone calls and texts
>
at least we were in some kind of contact
not a scenario where we hadn’t spoken in years
he died at 74
never married
one daughter
one granddaughter
child of the keep it to yourself 50s
came of age in generation gap 60s
attracted to women and soft drugs
brought to heel by the county court
cried when he had to cut hair short
and present as nice boy gone bad
>
had a brother nine years younger
far too young to bond with
often separated by parents and miles
learned how to be a salesman
able to get others to believe him
as long as others weren’t mother father relatives
>
but he loved sports
collected memorabilia
graduated from University of Texas Austin
spent his retirement going to various sporting events
this took his mind off declining health
and being denied access to granddaughter
by daughter who sometimes preferred him at arm’s length
>
passed away a day following minor traffic accident
began eternal sleep in a duplex protecting him
from Central Texas humidity outside
Behind your curtain
was a paperback copy of MACBETH
resting on a wooden stool
and a black cat named Monet
who, after minutes of contemplation,
jumped on top of the stool
how beautiful, I thought
nothing like this in my hometown
>
You used to bless me with teenage smiles
then the smiles stopped justlikethat
and everything I did got on your nerves
so I closed my curtain
and never again stepped out for encores
>
Over two decades later,
I visited a restored home
in West Los Angeles
the owner had a living room curtain
pulled open to reveal a picture window
displaying a view of a flower garden,
a swimming pool,
and a charming guest house
>
It’s the kind of sight
you would have loved
in the year
when we were both fifteen
fell and couldn’t get up
crawled past the bewildered cats
finally found the cellphone, dialed 911
kept on hold, then gave information
>
somehow opened the patio door
slow crawl to the garage
somehow opened the electric door
then reverse crawl from patio to den
>
a few minutes later, paramedics arrive
one of them says, mute the Dodger game on TV
another sees the books by my chair and asks
do you ever go outside?
I say yes, when the medicines and groceries run out
>
vitals checked, prescriptions recorded
lifted to my feet, not without further knee pain
decline a ride to the emergency room
>
by myself again
should buy a cane and a walker
though I dread reduced mobility
>
bruises, but no breaks or fractures
time to turn off the mute button
grain elevator, giant oil derrick, red/brown brick streets
train station which became Boy Scouts facility
elementary school that felt ultramodern in the 1960s
large and small churches teaching different versions of Jesus’s teachings
car races which some classmates never survived
drive-in eateries and motels which tried to survive the freeway bypass
>
newspaper ad said help save our town, buy at home
but the next city was just a half-hour away by car
some migrated there, others to other small Texas towns
only a few dared move out of state
to see if neutrality healed wounds and strengthened bonds
looking for clothes
trying to pack a suitcase
can’t find clothes
clothes apparently lost or stolen
look all over for missing clothes
find a bunch of concert T-shirts on a table
all the shirts are too small
the 15-year-old boy with heightened emotions
now the 63-year-old man calmly seeing an oncologist
infused, injected, transplanted, revived
taking medication, getting sleepy, hoping for days outdoors
>
looking back at the girl I thought I loved at 15
lying to myself about how I could have been her ideal
imagining all sorts of happy alternate universes
in this one: didn’t listen, never gained her trust, never was a confidant
>
taught to fear, warned to avoid, harangued to PAY ATTENTION
in spite of this, eventually thought for myself,
and was blessed/burned by consequences
at 63, want more years before affairs must become ordered
older slower quieter
no need to overreact
re-examine what happened
choice B preferable to choice taken
>
listen to the old rock band
remake their past songs
feel the need to alter lyrics
filtered through distance of age
>
sing along with me
autumnal
autumnal
au tum tum tum nal
focus on the door
at the end of the hallway
start walking
follow most rules
forget some of them
question others when alone
get head slaps
bruised knuckles
deep red voices
vibrating eardrums
warnings you’ll be fired
if you fail to park
in the proper place
>
rarely get compliments
>
decide if the door is worth opening
after years of repetitive motions
trying to please others
without losing yourself
and worrying about notes in your file
>
if you’re promoted,
don’t be that person
who screams/punches/kneecaps
be the mentor
only a few people
took the time to be with you
when it’s time for new recruits
to take the employee walk
wherever it may lead
two fifteen year-olds on their only date
were waiting for a theater box office to open
and window shopped at the Woolworths next door
>
the then-popular family TV series THE WALTONS
became a topic of conversation
she said “Don’t tell me you like THE WALTONS”
he, not listening to what she was really saying,
responded with light talk about how the show had
mountains and clean air, basically escapist stuff
>
decades later, he realized she was struggling
with unhappiness and other people’s expectations
and he wished he had said something different,
something which could have formed a lasting friendship
they come easier at my age
don’t know if it’s from staring too long at a tablet
maybe it’s flashbacks from the irresolvable past
perhaps a reminder to enjoy and not dread the future
when you insulted me on the high school stairs
I didn’t reply, hurried to the next class
of course, I conformed to the derisive, homophobic laughter of others
how dare you choose Frank Zappa over Kiss
don’t you know it’s weird to dye your hair that color
>
but I was shocked by your death from despair
knew how smart you were
thought you’d free yourself from our small town
and find people who would love you without judgments
>
so sorry for my cowardice
my stupid belief that your pain was a contagious virus
so glad to know that I have no problems down there
the last colonoscopy unearthed small precancerous polyps
three years and two plus months later, apparently nothing
I received the color colonic pictures, thought about UNCUT GEMS
waiting for the doctor’s official all clear letter
wanting to be here for the next one in five years
should I, I ask myself
will she think I’m bothering her?
embracing temptation, I walk towards
the table she sits at in the university library
saying hello, she smiles and says hello
small talk about school and studies
then I mention how it’s been almost a year
since we were Saturday acting classmates
it becomes quiet; neither of us know what to say
I throw a pebble into the silence
time for me to resume studying
take care, have a good rest of your weekend
she smiles and says you too in a warm voice
>
after returning to my table,
I open my high school English book
read e.e. cummings poem buffalo bill’s defunct
as my mind’s eye watches a balloon climb the sky
before disappearing
surrounded by doctors and nurses
fighting the odor of transplant
faith in their assurances of extended life
many thoughts of what I’ve done so far
and all the things I’m looking forward to
once I become free to rejoin the world outside
