The Ugly Mug reading and lingering emotions.

So a poet I respect (have known him since 1998) wrote something like this on the Two Idiots Peddling Poetry Ugly Mug reading last night:
Cool reading!  I enjoyed myself.

And I was tempted to write this on his Facebook wall, but, instead, am posting it here:
It's a cool reading if you're allowed in. After 12 years of being barred, perhaps I should be able to read posts like this without feeling any emotions whatsoever. But I have the mark of Cain still upon me and people will still go and enjoy and think of their own enjoyment and not pay attention to anything I write.

In theory, I shouldn't care one way or another about this--and should have stopped thinking about the ban after it happened in 2004.

But it's still a reminder of the days when I got along and went along with the majority of poets in the community.

Also, it shows the essential fragility of poet-to-poet relationships. You can make one mistake. But if that mistake is a Big Public Error, then goodwill instantly stops--and it's as though you never knew the other person at all and no support/nothing good you've done for him in the past counts for anything.

Over the years, I've thought out loud on this incident here. Sometimes with anger. Other times, I've asked for forgiveness.

At this point, I'm resigned to knowing it's somewhere I'm eternally not allowed into.

And aware that people I like continue to go to the reading and are entertained by it/receive approval from the audience of poets/Chapman students.

Also, doubly aware that the people I like who attend the reading probably share this sentiment:
YOUR BAN IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT OURS! GET OVER IT!

Therefore, I need to learn to be completely desensitized when people post laudatory messages and photos on Facebook of their moments of glory in a coffeehouse in the city of Orange CA.

When poets use friendship with other poets as excuse to punish poets.

In a way, my ongoing Ugly Mug banishment (and my various--sometimes pleas for forgiveness, sometimes open irritation at the situation stretching out for years) could be compared to the principal's office scene in John Hughes' THE BREAKFAST CLUB where principal Paul Gleason and student Judd Nelson keep at each other, ensuring that the web of anger and recrimination becomes as hard as iron.

Given the two-dimensional definition of me (by the Two Idiots Peddling Poetry and certain friends of theirs as a highly unpleasant person who doesn't write "good" poetry), there are times when I don't care whether I ever return to Orange CA--except to, perhaps, go window shopping in the old-neighborhood downtown area.

On some level, the hosts and the owner probably know that I learned my lesson from the unfortunate outburst of almost a decade ago and wouldn't misbehave and/or be disrespectful at the venue.

But, as has been made clear to me by one of the hosts in recent years, it's less about what I mentioned in the previous paragraph and more to do with what I write on this blog (before that, on certain listserves).  And, apparently, beyond the wish that I don't write anything critical of the reading or the hosts, lays the edict that I can never enter the Ugly Mug again because I have caused offense to friends of theirs.  This offense has been due to written words of mine (some of which I would never write again; others, I would restate in a more thoughtful, considerate--but still dissenting--way).

Ideally, even someone like me should be able to attend any kind of poetry reading as long as I'm not verbally or physically threatening to anyone--and quiet and respectful to the hosts, features and open-mike poets while they are on the podium.

It's understandable that people get hurt and have reflexive reactions if they feel their friends are being regarded unfairly.  But, as long as the disputed conduct exists far away from the venue, no poet should have a reason to feel wary of even outcast poets.

In the SoCal poetry community, banishment should not be used as a tool to silence unpopular speech that happens in other areas than poetry venues.

Most local poets will stand up for causes national and worldwide.  Just not (alas) how the power given to poetry hosts by reading attendance (and money given to features and venue owners) can be sometimes wielded in a less than poetic fashion.

Re the Ugly Mug: it's all over for me.

"Regarding your request, Phil seriously considered it (which is a lot more
than he's done in the past), but ultimately had trouble accepting the
sincerity of your apology given your relatively recent negative comments
online about the reading and the Ugly Mug."--from an e-mail sent to me by Ben Trigg, Ugly Mug cohost.

Presuming this is one of the comments in question:
http://poetry-arts-confidential.blogspot.com/2011/04/ocs-two-idiots-reading-truth-is.html

And, the apology I made (after some thought on the banishment and realizing I've done a bad job of expressing contrition) http://poetry-arts-confidential.blogspot.com/2011/04/annual-plea-for-forgiveness-re-ugly-mug.html

Also presuming this is another "negative" comment--though it's not about the reading and the Ugly Mug, though.  It merely takes issue with the DON'T BLAME THE UGLY MUG anthology introduction:
http://poetry-arts-confidential.blogspot.com/2011/04/heres-to-culture-commandos.html

All I can do is stand by the apology; I feel better for having found the courage and humility to do it.  And, to close, here's an excerpt from the response e-mail I wrote to Ben (highlighting by me):
I was--and am still--sorry for my conduct of seven years ago. And I feel really sad about having my sincerity doubted--and getting told that my apologies aren't abject enough. It's been enough to cope with being mocked by whoever writes the "Terry McCarty's War Against Humanity" blog.



All three of you should be aware by now that I would never come back to the Ugly Mug only to be loud and disruptive to you and anyone else in attendance.

So, there you have it.  Nothing else to say, period.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF ORANGE COUNTY POETRY

My nonfan club is at it again.

http://waragainsthumanity.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/from-the-sacred-scrolls/

As for the apology post to Ben, Steve and Phil I made a couple of days ago: I took responsibility for my actions of seven years back, apologized, asked for reconciliation and reinstatement.

Whether or not it happens, I'm satisfied I did the right thing and can move on to the future.

The annual plea for forgiveness re the Ugly Mug situation of 2004.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?fbid=10150155171782775&id=706507774&aid=289335


Dear Steve, Ben and Phil,

First of all, congratulations on the DON'T BLAME THE UGLY MUG anthology.  It's a milestone you all should take pride in reaching.

And once again, I'm writing you to again ask for forgiveness regarding misbehavior on my part in 2004 resulting in banishment.

At this point, I'll address people individually.

I'm sorry to have disrespected you, Steve.  And I'm also very regretful it happened after a reading while most of the audience remained in the room.

Also, I owe Phil an apology for not closing my mouth and listening when he was trying to impress on me the magnitude of what happened.  It was wrong of me to talk back like I did.

Of course, I'm aware of questions of "credibility" since I've petitioned publicly and privately for this banishment to end--and I've expressed disappointment and hurt when it hasn't happened.

In my defense, I'd like to restate my respect for all three of you by reminding you that I've never returned to the Ugly Mug since September of 2004.   Whatever can be said, I've done my best to abide by that edict.

And it must be said that I attended the Ugly Mug between 2000 and 2004--with only the one incident of wrongful behavior to my discredit during that four-year period.

Recently, I read this statement about the Ugly Mug and the reading "They care deeply about poetry, and community, and realize the two aren't mutually exclusive."

I'd like to think that forgiveness is an integral part of all communities--especially poetry.

It's safe to say that my behavior, upon returning to Wednesday readings, would be exemplary and nondisruptive like it was between 2000 and 2004.

I very much hope we can all stop being perennially upset at each other and solidify the community that poets and business owners work so hard to achieve.

Yours sincerely,
Terry McCarty

OC's The Two Idiots reading--the truth is somewhere between these two poles.

From a former OC poet/tastemaker:
Hosts Ben Trigg and Steve Ramirez have created something powerful and important there in Southern California. Readings that last that long are rare, and readings that last that long and have hosted such a wide range of new and established poetic work are even more rare. Even after all of these years, "Two Idiots" remains my favorite reading in the country, not least because Steve and Ben are two of my favorite people. They care deeply about poetry, and about community, and realize the two aren't mutually exclusive. This reading has been the heart of Southern California poetry for years, and here's wishing them many more years of doing great work.


From a poster on Yelp:
I appreciate that the Ugly Mug supports creativity.  Many of the poets I've heard there are very talented, as well.  Unfortunately, during multiple visits, I have felt like an unwanted guest in somebody's home. Sometimes it feels a bit like an "in" clique and if you're not in, you're out.

As for me, I'm "out" for the rest of my life (won't go into it again here)--but, because I know a few of the poets who have performed there, will buy the DON'T BLAME THE UGLY MUG anthology (with a cover designed by OC poet/artist Leigh White) nonetheless.

New poem: A BRIEF HISTORY OF ORANGE COUNTY POETRY

Meant to be a "calling it as I saw it" piece of looking back.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF ORANGE COUNTY POETRY

ONE




Bachelors and spinsters



working at paycheck-to-paycheck jobs



during the day



go home, change their clothes



and go out into the spoken-word night



as either Zeus and Hera



or King Herod and Salome.




I'll let you decide which.







TWO



In a movie called SEMI-TOUGH,



a minor character had this line of dialogue:



INTELLECTUALS ARE THE JOCKS OF THE MIND.



I can remember hearing about those acclaimed muscleminds



who kicked sand in the faces of puny poets:



YOU'RE NOT NEARLY GOOD ENOUGH FOR A FEATURE!



Some of them quietly bandaged their wounded egos



and later became the literary equivalents of



Charles Atlas and Cory Everson.



Others gave up



and just came down to the water's edge



to stare at the day's latest



sandkicking spectacle.







THREE



I was at a coffeehouse



run by a saber-toothed tiger



when I saw this:



a hapless poetry host



(who just wanted so so much to belong)



was run over by a more acclaimed poet



who graced the open-mike



for what seemed like ten minutes past eternity.



Since the poetry host



wanted so so so much to belong,



he swallowed his pride and discomfort



and let the esteemed poet



off with a mild caution.







Suffice to say



the esteemed poet



finished his poetry



at his own convenience--



not that of the host.







FOUR



We posed with plastic penguins.



We read from the stages of punk/rockabilly clubs.



We looked for positive writeups about ourselves



in OC WEEKLY.



We even wore bathing suits



for fund-raising calendars.







And we took comfort in our certainty



that we were better, faster, stronger



and far more literate



as poets and as people



than those amateur poseurs from Los Angeles.



For we were forged in the crucible



of being laughed at and dismissed



during our day jobs



by good Orange County Republicans



who keep their Bush/Cheney bumperstickers



forever affixed to their oversized SUVs and trucks-on-steroids.

It's coming: Anthology of Orange County poets and their fellow travelers.

Saw this poetry volume listed on someone's blog recently: Don't Blame the Ugly Mug: Ten Years of Two Idiots Peddling Poetry from Tebot Bach.

No comment; if you've read this blog in the past you know what I think of both the Ugly Mug in Orange, CA in general and one of the Two Idiots in particular.

I will make a wider comment to note that the OC poetry scene tends to thrive on social conventions of the kind Jane Austen and Edith Wharton wrote about (not necessrily admiring them)--plus, it brings up creepy memories of the trailer I saw for the cult horror film THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

And now, it's time for me to be shunned by Jaimes Palacio, Orange County poet/host..

Imagine Elton John's "Funeral For A Friend" playing as you read this.

Jaimes Palacio, someone of importance in the Orange County poetry community, has now shunned me.  He unfriended me on Facebook--apparently because of the blog post below the one you're reading now (which I also put onto Facebook).

Here's my comment: I thought up until now that Jaimes and I were at least acquaintances, appreciated him and his poems and I have never given him any choose-me-or-them conditions re friendship during the decade I knew him. Time for a chorus of Taps.

[POSTSCRIPT 8/30/2010: At least I'm not banned from Jaimes' readings at Gypsy Den Grand Central in Santa Ana.  But otherwise, whatever there was is over now.]

Orange's Ugly Mug and the 10th anniversary of Two Idiots Peddling Poetry reading.

http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-ugly-mug-cafe-orange

Printing these review excerpts from the Ugly Mug page on Yelp.com:
"yep, the owner's a jerk. what's worse, is i went to open mic to read poetry and i felt like i stepped into a family gathering where i wasn't invited. not your open, creative, accepting environment , but a group of self serving, snobby people who don't welcome newcomers and instead of actually reading poetry, they stand on stage to grab attention and hear themselves speak. coffee's bad, too. there are much better places to go. save yourself from a bad aftertaste of coffee and people."

"I appreciate that the Ugly Mug supports creativity. Many of the poets I've heard there are very talented, as well. Unfortunately, during multiple visits, I have felt like an unwanted guest in somebody's home. Sometimes it feels a bit like an "in" clique and if you're not in, you're out."


"It's a real shame that the guy that runs this place has the biggest, baddest attitude I have ever met. At first I thought he was one of those guys that acted like a curmudgeon, because it amused him. Hey, that's funny and cool in a perverse way. Sadly, it doesn't take long for one to figured out that... it isn't an act."

And, especially after reading these three comments, to think I wasted time (and probably took a month off my lifespan from the stress) trying to get back in the good graces of the owner and the hosts--something that won't ever happen due to their pride and stubbornness and my one big sin committed way back in 2004.

Moral: Offend the owner and/or hosts, and be prepared for a lifetime ban. Trust me, Phil the owner doesn't kid about these things.

Obviously, I was lucky to have four years of acquaintanceship with Steve Ramirez (didn't know Ben Trigg very well at all during that period)--and, before I caused myself to Walk The Plank, I was also blessed with being considered good enough to feature (based on my open-reading performance), before my talent level became screened out of consideration.

And, during these half-dozen years of banishment, I was hoping to at least be admitted to watch and learn from the higher level of poets featuring there.

It wasn't and isn't to be.  Phil the owner behaves like Craig T. Nelson's high school football coach in ALL THE RIGHT MOVES--and Steve and Ben just don't want to deal with the situation (and they have prominent poetry community friends/enablers like G. Murray Thomas, who scolded me backchannel on their behalf awhile back).

Essentially, the poetry community will stand up for progressive causes and people facing alleged Unjust Accusations (i.e. the Free Mumia movement going on in the late 90s when I began reading in coffeehouses).  But they, by and large, will not risk their comfort and social standing to associate with unpopular poets, or--egad--speak up on their behalf.

There's a limit to how righteous a poet can be.

Sharing a letter to owner of the Ugly Mug in Orange, CA.

Dear Phil,
A few years back, I went to one of the Wednesday poetry readings--something I did for about four years' worth.

I was upset with Steve, the co-host and you reprimanded me for it outside.
I was rude to you and said a couple of four-letter words in anger.

You told me to never come back.
I'm really sorry to have treated a hard-working person
like you with no respect at all. And I've not been back since.

Can I please ask you to forgive me
so I could come back to see
the Wednesday poetry readings again?
Am over fifty now
and have much better manners
and impulse control than I used to.
Please write back and let me know
if this is acceptable to you.

Sincerely,
Terry McCarty

Amber Tamblyn at Ugly Mug in Orange 10/28--time to see poetry community celeb worship in action.

Tomorrow night, if you happen to be in Orange, CA, you have the opportunity to see actress Amber Tamblyn display her skill as a poet/writer (saw her years ago at a Newer Poets Reading in downtown Los Angeles) at the coffeehouse The Ugly Mug near Chapman University. The reading will begin at 8:00 p.m. and it will be a prime opportunity to watch major league fawning from the hosts/other poets/students from Chapman.

No disrespect meant to Ms. Tamblyn and her art, but I wrote a poem about poetry community celeb worship a few years back--she's namechecked in the piece:
POETISTA

I hate bad art.
Unfortunately, I live in Los Angeles
and work in the Motion Picture Industry.
So, I help to produce and market
bad art every workday for fifty weeks a year.

But there’s a secret life I lead.
My partner and I host a poetry reading
at the most comfortable cybercafe in Los Feliz.
Due to my work commitments, the reading is
only for one day a month.

And it’s a very special reading.
To be a truly successful host, one has to book
the best and most literate poets in the city
so there will be an audience of sophisticated,
cutting-edge people-not just the usual coterie of
mediocre coffeehouse poets
wanting to read in the open
and harboring thoughts of featuring
at our elevated venue one day.

We have a special way of discouraging mediocrity.
If a bad poet comes too often, we make him or her
feel as if he or she is taking a spot belonging to
someone far more deserving.
It may take a few weeks, but eventually he or she
gets the message and never returns.

And need I add that our reading draws a large crowd
of successful poets and influential audience members?
One time, we had an audience of almost 50 people.
Fortunately, we didn’t have to deal with the Fire Marshall
ordering people to leave.

I wish you could have been at our most recent reading.
We had a glittering bill of four features-meaning no
open readers!!!! (yay)
There was a comedienne who used to write jokes for Sandra Tsing-Loh,
a Santa Ana poet who bills himself as The Last Liberal in Orange County,
a poet from Westchester who holds $1,000-per-person workshops
and our very special guest: actress AMBER TAMBLYN!!!

Truly a fabulous evening of poetry-all the right people were there.

Who could ask for anything more?